October 11th, 2001

Photo - leaves

itchy fingers...

for some reason there is one of those bizarre programmes on bbc2 with a strange man playing the piano.

i just remembered how much i miss that. if it wasn't for my frelling grandmother, i'd still be playing now. but, no, she would force me, so much so that i stopped altogether for fear of those words: "are you going to play for me?" no, i'm frelling not going to. the more you ask, the less i'm going to, get it into your head. thus did my piano playing end, at the age of 16, ten years after i started to learn.

my fingers tingle. i want to play again, so badly. feel the music flowing from my hands, no matter how many mistakes i make, knowing that no matter how bad i am, there's still people who can't play at all. coordination of wrists and knuckles on cream and dark grey keys (either stained or faded with age), producing something wonderful. translating the complex black and white squiggles that look so meaningless, into a sound.

i want my piano back, the lovely little walnut panelled bentley that i wouldn't let her sell. it's in my kitchen at home, covered in paws' hairs (no, don't think of him now, you'll cry yourself to sleep over him again), sitting being un-used. a tragedy of silence, a centre-piece to look pretty but never be heard.

my fingers move as if to play, but get me near the instrument itself and i fall all over myself and shake like a leaf, fumbling for the keys, missing the chords, forgetting the bass notes. i have to think about where to place my hands. used to be automatic.

type like a pianist, fingers bent, wrists arched, running up and down like a scale.

pray that the network is still on now. i really need to post this...
Photo - leaves

third entry. quizosity. intense boredom.

20 Questions
1. Come up with an entirely new internet nick-name just for this questions based on how you feel _right this very moment_.

2. If you could re-name any Crayola crayon in the box, which one, and what would you re-name it? (Including the ones that already have new names)
'cornflower' to 'that blue that never shows up no matter how hard you scribble with it'

3. What is the very first thing you see if you look to the left of your computer monitor?
my bed and a load of posters that have fallen off the wall. again.

4. What is sitting on top of your computer monitor?

5. If you could be in a musical group anytime in history, which one, and which member are you?
catatonia. cerys matthews. *shrug* i'm a walking cliche.

6. You get to have 15 minutes from the past again, you dont get to change anything, you just get to do it again. What are you doing?
5 minutes of "red thread", 2.5 minutes singing "summer wine" with clare, the yeo and the fish (:D), 5 minutes of "les misérables", and... 2.5 minutes of being in the common room for my 18th with clare and lorna giving me the bumps.

7. If you could be a smell, what would you be?
this smell from my road years ago - bonfire smoke, rain, tar, and flowers, all combined. it was very interesting.

8. If you could be a color, what would you be?
the shade of green i can never find, that really tangy jewel green.

9. If you could be a taste, what would you be?

10. Name the last 5 things you have touched with your hands. (Think hard!)
keyboard, mouse, little cushion lap tray thing, monitor, bracelets

12. What book did you read right before the book you are reading right now?
"the phantom of the opera"

11. What is your favorite candle smell and why?
the smell after being blown out. wax.

13. What is your favorite pillow on your bed and why?
um... i like both equally.

14. Paper or Plastic?
paper. words on said paper.

15. Quick! Without looking at a phone! What are the 3 letters on the #5? No fair peeking!

16, Who is your favorite Sesame Street Character, and why?
eeeeelmooooo! he's cute and red and he's been immortalised into a bag!!

17. How many people did you just think of forwarding this quiz to?
well i nicked it off clare/lorna... so... whoever nicks it off me...

18. Invent a new domain name ending, like .com or .net, right now! Its pretend so it can be up to 8 letters.

19. Why do you take quizzes like this?
because a) i'm bored or b) i have nothing better to do with my time.

20. Which questions in this quiz are out of order?
10 to 12. from previous re-reading of quiz.

the end.