January 20th, 2002

Photo - leaves

toast appears to have adverse effects...

right. so. it was 1am. and this appeared. the names are all meant to be in bold, but i can't be arsed...

THE GREAT BIG “WHAT IF?”

SUMMARY:
Read the title! This happened at 1am beyond my control. The basic premise is, what if Moya had chatrooms… I know. Stupid concept. But who the frell cares?? It’s silly, it has no plot whatsoever, and requires very little brain cells to read it! Enjoy!
RATING: PG? Something around about there.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters, but the story is mine…
SETTINGS/SPOILERS: The setting is… um… well, I suppose it has to be AU, doesn’t it… All characters included but Zhaan, so figure it out… Um… spoils just about everything.
AUTHOR’S NOTES: This is NOT my fault. It is partially Eve’s fault for quoting randomly at me all night. Pilot’s “So sorry…” line was hers. Anyway, I was meant to be writing my “Fractures” fic, and this appeared… It’s even got Jool/Crais shipping (Eve made me do it!) because it’s just funny. Oh, and I know you spell it “Erp”, but I figure John being who he is, and me being too clever for my own good, he’d spell it “Earp” as a reference to Wyatt Earp… Whatever… I think most of the names should be obvious. If anyone’s that desperate, I’ll put a list up, but it shouldn’t be necessary. Um… yes. Read on, and review if you’re brave enough. Flames fully expected =)


The Great Big “What If?”

© T’eyla Minh 2002

*Room - Terrace*

*Moyapilot has entered the room*

Moyapilot: Greetings.
Earpboy: Hey pilot.
PKChick: John, I don’t understand the purpose of this…
PKChick: Hello Pilot.
Earpboy: It’s meant to be fun, Aeryn, now just play along…
Moyapilot: How is everybody?
Earpboy: I’m good.
PKChick: How is this meant to be fun?
Earpboy: Aeryn, you gotta keep up!
PKChick: Oh, frell you, Crichton… I can’t use this keyboard thing…

*Bannick_the_Stark has entered the room*

Bannick_the_Stark: Hello.
Earpboy: Yo, Stark. Aeryn, you’ll get used to it…
PKChick: Hello, Stark.
Earpboy: What’s with the name?
Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan told me to do it.

*PKChick rolls eyes*

PKChick: I’m sure…
Moyapilot: We like your name, Stark.
Earpboy: We? I never said *I* liked it.
PKChick: I think he means him and Moya.
Moyapilot: Officer Sun is right.
Earpboy: You so smart!

*Earpboy huggles PKChick*

PKChick: You should be very glad we’re not in the same room, Crichton.
Earpboy: Um… we are…
PKChick: You KNOW what I meant.
Bannick_the_Stark: Did I miss anything important?
Earpboy: Nah.
Moyapilot: Nothing of importance has occurred.
Bannick_the_Stark: Oh, good.
Bannick_the_Stark: I don’t understand your name, Aeryn.
PKChick: Crichton chose it. Ask him.
Earpboy: It would take too long. Just live with it.
Moyapilot: I will DRD.
PKChick: DRD??
Earpboy: I think he means BRB.
PKChick: You and your frelling abbreviations…

*Moyapilot has left the room*

Earpboy: Oh, shaddup! It’s not like anyone ever told me what DRD stands for, anyway…
PKChick: Your deficient little brain couldn’t cope with it…

*Earpboy sticks out tongue*

Earpboy: I thought we’d gone beyond that kind of petty insult.
Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan would not approve of such bickering…
Earpboy: For God’s sake, Stark, shut up! Zhaan’s dead. Get over it!
Bannick_the_Stark: No.
Bannick_the_Stark: Not dead.
Bannick_the_Stark: I can hear her…

*PKChick slaps Bannick_the_Stark*

Bannick_the_Stark: Ow.
PKChick: Shut up.

*Moyapilot has entered the room*

Earpboy: Finally! Pilot, please bring some sanity to this place!
PKChick: Yes, please do. I’m the only sane one left in here…
Earpboy: Hey! Just cos you don’t have a chip in *your* brain…
PKChick: That’s your excuse for everything.
Earpboy: Pilot, you’re quiet. Something wrong?

*Moyapilot shakes head*

Moyapilot: Rbrtuyjomh od gomr.
PKChick: ?
Earpboy: Uh… ‘kay…
Earpboy: Pilot, what in the name of Kirk *was* that??
Moyapilot: So sorry…
Moyapilot: I appear to have hit the wrong keys…

*Earpboy laughs*

Earpboy: And I thought Aeryn was bad. I dunno, you can pilot a Leviathan, but you can’t type…

*PKChick beats the dren out of Earpboy*

Earpboy: Hey! I didn’t mean it!
PKChick: Just you wait, Crichton. You’re going to pay for that.
Earpboy: Ooh?
Earpboy: Promise or a threat, honey?
PKChick: Both.
Earpboy: Cool.
PKChick: You know I can kick your eema from one end of the UT to the other…
Earpboy: Yeah… I love you too…

*PKChick smacks Earpboy upside the head*

Earpboy: Aeryn, if you keep this up, we’ll have to go somewhere else…
PKChick: I’m warning you, John!

*Moyapilot separates PKChick and Earpboy*

Moyapilot: This is most interesting… It appears you all revert into younger versions of yourselves in here.
Moyapilot: I like it. And Moya finds it most amusing.

*CapnB has entered the room*

Earpboy: Evenin’ Crais.
CapnB: Is she in here?
PKChick: Is who in here?
CapnB: Jool.
Bannick_the_Stark: We haven’t seen her.
Earpboy: Damn, Stark, are you *still* here?? Can’t you go and bother Chiana or something?
Bannick_the_Stark: I think I will…

*Bannick_the_Stark has left the room*

Earpboy: Finally…
CapnB: But is she in here?
Earpboy: No, Stark was right. She ain’t here.

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*

Earpboy: Well, she wasn’t…
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bialar, are you in here?
CapnB: No.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Good.

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl huggles CapnB*

CapnB: Will you desist?!
Earpboy: What’s the matter, Crais, don’t you wuv your lil Joolee any more?
CapnB: Shut up, Crichton.
Earpboy: Why’s everyone so against me today?
PKChick: Because you’re an idiot…

*Eve has entered the room*

*Eve huggles Earpboy*

*Eve has left the room*

Earpboy: What the frell was that?
PKChick: Yes, what was that?
Earpboy: Oooh! Aeryn’s jealous.
CapnB: Oh, are you two *still* doing this? Every frelling time I come in here…
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: That could be us.
CapnB: Go away!

*CapnB has left the room*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Oh… :*(
Moyapilot: Don’t cry, Joolushka. I still like you.
Earpboy: You like everyone.
Moyapilot: No I don’t.
Moyapilot: I don’t like Peacekeepers.
Moyapilot: Except for Aeryn.
Moyapilot: But she’s not really a Peacekeeper…
Earpboy: We get the picture!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: You like me?
Moyapilot: Yes.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: That’s sweet Pilot. Did you see where Crais went?
Moyapilot: My DRDs are detecting he is in the Apothecary room.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Thanks, Pilot!

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*

*Minh has entered the room*

Minh: anyone seen a girl named eve around here?
PKChick: Who are you?
Minh: random fan-girl…
Earpboy: Eve… she came in and hugged me then ran off again. Weird.
Minh: ah… thanks. sorry about that, she thinks you’re beautiful.
Earpboy: Me?
Minh: yeah… weird… anyway, did you see where she went?
PKChick: No.
Minh: okay… oh, and you guys had better frellin’ hurry up… the shippers are going crazy, you know…
Earpboy: I’ve been saying the same damn thing for months… um… monens…
Minh: i’m meant to be writing a bloody angstfic! gotta go! john, think angsty thoughts, would ya?

*Minh has left the room*

Earpboy: Pilot, we have GOT to get better security around here…
Moyapilot: Yes. Moya agrees.
PKChick: What are we supposed to be hurrying up with?
Earpboy: I could show you if you’d let me near you…
PKChick: I’m sure. No.
Earpboy: Aw, come *on*! What does it frelling *take* with you?
PKChick: Stick around long enough and you’ll find out.
Earpboy: …
Earpboy: I wasn’t expecting that.
Moyapilot: Nor was I.

*CapnB has entered the room*

Earpboy: WB, Crais. Didja lose her?

*CapnB wheezes*

CapnB: I believe so. For now.
PKChick: Perhaps if you change your name...
CapnB: That’s a good idea.
CapnB: Excuse me a microt.

*CapnB has left the room*

*XhalaxSun has entered the room*

PKChick: That’s not funny, Crais.
XhalaxSun: Frell…

*XhalaxSun has left the room*

Earpboy: I guess originality isn’t high on his list of priorities.

*Talynpilot has entered the room*

Talynpilot: Sorry, Pilot. Best I could do.
Moyapilot: I do not mind, Captain.

*NerriSis has entered the room*

NerriSis: Hey.
Earpboy: Hey, Chi, how’s it hangin’?
NerriSis: Um…

*NerriSis looks down*

NerriSis: Mind your own frellin’ business!
Earpboy: I didn’t mean… Never mind…
PKChick: I thought you were with D’Argo.
NerriSis: I was… he disappeared. I think Stark was annoying him.
PKChick: So you decided to come and annoy us? How considerate.
Talynpilot: If you see Jool, I’m not here.
NerriSis: Is that Crais?

*Earpboy nods*

NerriSis: Gee. Never woulda guessed…
Moyapilot: Hello, Chiana. Sorry. I was multi-tasking.
NerriSis: Hi, Pilot.
Talynpilot: Remember, I’m not here.
Earpboy: Okay, we got it, you’re not here!

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Did I miss him again?
PKChick: Yes…
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Why does he hate me?? Why?
NerriSis: How many reasons do you want?
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Shut up, Chiana!
NerriSis: No, you shut up!
Earpboy: Hey, ladies?
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: No, you!
NerriSis: You!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bitch!
NerriSis: Tralk!
Earpboy: GIRLS!

*Moyapilot separates Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*

*Moyapilot is still separating PKChick and Earpboy*

Moyapilot: I never knew four arms could be so useful.
Earpboy: You’re an upholding member of society, Pilot…

*PKChick groans*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Just out of interest, who’s flying the ship?
Moyapilot: I will have to put two of you down.
Moyapilot: Aeryn, John, if you stop fighting, it will be you.
Earpboy: Deal.
PKChick: Yes.

*Moyapilot releases Earpboy and PKChick*

Moyapilot: No more fighting.
PKChick: Thank you, Pilot.
Earpboy: Ditto.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Pilot, you’re hurting me.
NerriSis: Me too.
Moyapilot: I apologise. Do you promise not to fight?

*NerriSis nods*

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl nods*

*Moyapilot releases Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*

NerriSis: Thanks.

*NerriSis pulls Screaming_Boolite_Girl’s hair*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Hey!
NerriSis: If you wanna fight, you’re gonna have to catch me first!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Fine!

*NerriSis has left the room*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: FRELL!

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*

*Talynpilot comes out from under the table*

Talynpilot: Is it safe?
PKChick: All clear, Crais.
Earpboy: Hehehe. The big bad PK Captain is afraid of our little Jool?
Talynpilot: She’s insatiable!
Earpboy: She seems to really like you. I can’t think why.
Talynpilot: For your information, Crichton, she liked you until she met me…
Earpboy: For your information, Crais, Aeryn liked you until she met me…
PKChick: For your information, I don’t like either of you.
Moyapilot: Do you like me?
PKChick: Of course, Pilot.
Talynpilot: Why don’t you like me?
PKChick: Would you settle for “Irreversibly contaminated”?? Or would you prefer another reason?
Talynpilot: Fair enough.
Earpboy: Well, fine, but what did I do?
PKChick: Same answer.
Earpboy: Yeah. But I didn’t do it on purpose!
PKChick: Actually, I’ve never liked you, Crichton.
Earpboy: Genetically compatible, babe…
PKChick: You’re never going to let me forget that, are you?
Earpboy: Nope.

*DominarXVI has entered the room*

Earpboy: Besides, it was *you* who kissed *me* in the module, not the other way around.
PKChick: You kissed me back!
Earpboy: What, you’d rather I ran away?
PKChick: Well, no… but… stop turning everything I say around!
Earpboy: I’m not!
DominarXVI: Have you no respect?
Earpboy: Hey, Stinky.
DominarXVI: Apparently not.
DominarXVI: If I was back on Hyneria, people would be bowing down! They’d be subservient, and obey my every command!
Earpboy: Um, sure, whatever, Ryge…
Earpboy: Aeryn, I’m not turning everything you say around! I’m just saying, it was *your* fault!
PKChick: It’s never my fault, Crichton…
Earpboy: I know you only blame me to make yourself feel big…
Talynpilot: Is this going to go on much longer?
PKChick: No, I only blame you because it’s always your fault.
Earpboy: Ouch…
DominarXVI: Will you two just frell and get it over with! You’re driving us all fahrbot!
Earpboy: That’s the best advice you’ve given all day, Sparky!
DominarXVI: I think I’m going to vomit.

*DominarXVI has left the room*


this is as far as i got. i will put more up as it arrives in my diseased brain. toast is weird. it does this.