April 1st, 2002

Photo - leaves

ihatemylifeihatemylifeihatemylife... (rant forthcoming.)

first of all, many thanks to her, for this. she had good intentions. unfortunately, i'vev been drinking red wine. the bad kind. not the hyper kind, the silly, stupid depressive kind... (therefore, associate any incoherence and general typos to that fact.)

for those who know me... actually, scratch that, most people don't know me... anyway...

right. first of all, i'm seeing "sunset boulevard" on friday. i'd never really considered the thing much before, but having now seen the 1950 film, and listened to the soundtrack, i am now in love with the whole thing, and can't wait to see it. it's a given that i love musicals.

i've grown up with them. and typically, it's only these past 5 years or so i've realised the only two things i've ever wanted to do in my life are to write professionally (no, not journalism, as my grandmother seems to think...) and/or sing. writing, i've known since i was this big *indicates several inches off floor*. singing, and shows, has been brewing since that fateful day in 1995 when i saw "cats" for the first time. (and don't get me started on that again, please...)

permit me to highlight the problems...

1) both ridiculously competitive career choices. naturally. as if i'd ever make anything easy for myself.

2) i seem to be utterly incapable lately of writing anything other than fanfic. this has its advantages (possibility of leading to actual script-writing), but by the time i'm in the position to do that, everything i write for will be gone... so unless my Muse does some serious original talking, i'm getting nowhere fast.

3) the singing? never in a million years... can't act, can't dance, too old to learn either, not enough confidence to try...

anyway, i'm seeing "sunset boulevard", as i said. and i just know, one day, i'm going to go into a theatre, and halfway through the show, i'm going to have a complete breakdown, simply because i'm on the wrong side of the curtain. every time now, after about half an hour, i'll emit a long sigh and feel the oppression fall on me... and i'll think, "it's not fair. they managed it. there are kids up there. if they can do it, why can't i? why did they get the breaks?" it's fleeting, and usually i can push it back down and enjoy the show like any other person. for two or more hours, i can immerse myself completely in the glamour and the music and the fantasy...

and then, it'll end. reality hits again, and i have to go home, and my head is whirring and spinning from the experience, because it ends too suddenly with no wind-down... and all i can do is think about it, and wonder when it'll be me up there, or if i ever will be...

and one day, i promise myself i'll simply stop doing it. but i also know, that one day, it's going to be the one thing that tips me completely over the edge into the pit of insanity that surely awaits me.

(please forgive the random metaphors. remember. i'm drunk.)

i describe my life in showtunes. "on my own" was my mantra for months, once i got over that, it turned into "one day i'll fly away", and now, it's "over the rainbow". and, for the moment, the only line from a song from "martin guerre", whose name i can't remember, but it sounds nice... "how many tears through the years can i cry?"

they're all very apt...

but the point of this rant was actually about the aforementioned site. at the time, she'd said "i WILL get you into show business, dammit". it's a lovely sentiment and she is a lovely person to try. and at the time, i said i'd audition...

yet more problems (most of which in a comment to a previous post, but reproduced here in a longer format...)

1) i can't audition. for the two hours leading to an audition i go through alternating states of utter panic, serene calm, taking deep breaths, hyperventilation, feeling sick, feeling starving, practising, wondering if i should have changed my mind about whatever piece i'm doing, and convincing myself it'll all go fine/terribly. i can't audition. really. when i get in there, my voice inevitably croaks, i can't stop frelling shaking, i forget all the words (the audition for the DCU being the ultimate proof...), my range drops from two octaves to about half, and i'll mysteriously come down with a cough or a cold or both. i. can't. audition.

if auditions were held at performances by talent spotters, i'd be in with a heck of a better chance. when performing, i'm in complete control despite being nervous as absolute frell... however, things don't work like that...

2) i can't act, as i've said, nor can i dance. in musicals, these two things are fairly important...

3) i never settle for second best, i always want the longest solos, the highest parts, the biggest songs... i've been in choirs since i was about 8. i didn't get a solo til i was 18. 10 years plus now of being one of the sheep, and although i love the sound of choirs, and love being in them, i want more. i want to shine. i want to show off. i thrive on praise; praise for my writing, praise for myself, and praise on my voice. the latter of which, i get the least, but want probably the most. a simple "very nice" can have me grinning for hours. when our duet was described as "angelic" that christmas (the "gaudete" verses, me and angela), i was hyper until midnight.

on the opposite side, even the smallest complaint can send me crashing down again. "not loud enough" tends to encompass most of it. which is why i need lessons, and can't afford them, and am completely self-taught (with help from mrs. swallow and mr. yeo, inadvertently.)

i've utterly digressed from my point, as usual... what i was going to say here was that even if i audition, i'll never make a lead part (lack of experience being one of the other things holding me back), but might, just about, make it into the chorus. which, while it's still 'les mis', isn't exactly what i want. i got the chorus in 'the wiz' in lower sixth. i didn't even bother... there's very little singing involved when you're in a musical chorus unless it's part of the actual costumed cast, and this is a concert. it'll be a backup choir...

4) i'm in derby for the duration of the first and last rehearsals, and the performance itself. this, quite frankly, is the only thing that's holding me back.

5) the auditions are the day after "sunset". i'll most definitely still be wallowing in self-pity that weekend...

6) they want a photo. i'm not photogenic in the slightest. methinks this means they're also basing it on whether one looks right for the part. there's no denying that i certainly don't LOOK like les mis material...

7) my range is ultimately crap. it's not low enough for eponine (even though i know that part inside out) and not high enough for cosette.

therefore, my friends, i concede defeat and shall not be auditioning. it would be psyching myself up for failure. i really don't need something ELSE to push me over the edge.

once upon a time, when my dreams were made of diamonds, and my future was far beyond my control, i could see myself up there on that stage. i could hear myself singing the part... jemima... grizabella... christine... eponine... i could hear the applause ringing out, and feel myself bowing, and see the set, all in my mind, clear as crystal. the boards beneath my feet... the musty, indistinguishable aroma of the theatre... the backstage entrance, the stairs, the corridors, the makeup... i knew it all. it was mine, and i could feel it in my grasp, and i knew that if i wished it hard enough, it would be mine...

but i grew up... i didn't take action... i lived on wishes and fantasies and a future i could see but never touch. and now, i can still see that stage, and hear the applause, but it's from a new angle based wholly in reality, in the auditorium, from the velvet padded seat, through the binoculars and the haze of dimmed lighting. if i try to hold onto the image of myself as the great star, it shatters, and all i see is the unconfident and talentless person that stares out of the mirror, who fumbles her lines and can't act for toffee.

the person i am and the person i wanted to be don't gel any more.

so i'll be head waitress of minkatia, and i'll enjoy it.

but in the end, even that's a fantasy, and even that will probably shatter... and i should live in the present, i should let the past go, and i need to avoid trying to find the future.

and now, i should really stop this entry...
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