July 28th, 2002

Photo - leaves

ruminations and rants...

ho-hum, another joyous day at my father's. and the thing with this heat is it not only pisses me off no end, but seems to make the entire universe seem four times more irritating than usual...

- whilst trying to watch "jurassic park" on sci-fi - even though i didn't know it was on and was only watching it because there was literally nothing else on. plus, i haven't seen it in years - he engages me in a long philosophical conversation about the various theories against the existence/reality of christ. this had originally stemmed from a reasonably sane conversation on whether it would be possible to re-create the dinosaurs, but these things do have a tendency to turn into religious debates. the thing is, i agree with him, but whatever i say (agreeing or telling an anecdote/theory of my own/whatever), he then ends up coming up with something else to disprove what i just said... which is, um, exactly what he'd just said. in short, my brain hurts too frelling much in this weather to have these kind of conversations and by the end of it i'm more annoyed than enlightened.

- while talking about poetry, for some reason - i think this stemmed from... oh, frell knows - i mentioned "rhapsody on a windy night", the subsequent fanfic, and the illustration that naomi did which perfectly resembled how the thing looked in my head when i wrote it, and how it looked in eve's head when she read it. all the while, my father is playing with a clothes peg - attaching it to his ears and generally being an idiot - which ordinarily i would find mildly amusing. however, when i'm trying to make a serious point about something which is important to me, god forbid, it only serves to make me wonder why i even bother...

- when showing my grandmother a general map of america that has all the state lines, but no towns/small cities, and attempting to show her where i have friends (and then explaining that no, they don't go to my university, i talk to them online...) she then starts gushing about me being wonderful. this pisses me off no end; it always has. mainly because i refuse to accept from anyone that i'm wonderful/beautiful/lovely/nice/whatever, but also because it was in the middle of, again, a point i was trying to make about something that was important to me...

- this, in fact, from last week - if she tells me about the perks of going into journalism one more frelling time, i swear i'm going to hurt somebody. i have no desire, nor have i ever had any desire, nor will i have any desire, to be a journalist...

it all seems very petty now it's written down...

- ah, yes, i forgot this one... my father and my grandmother are, between them, the most prejudiced people i have ever known. not in the violent way; in the not-grounded-in-any-logic, hate-them-because-of-their-skin-colour way. and for as long as i can remember, this has really annoyed me, not just because i've always had friends who are 'blacks' (although actually none of them are), but because no matter how many times i try to make it obvious that they're wrong, it doesn't sink in... and today, the conversation covered such diverse topics as:

~ the fact that birmingham has a "black bishop", and, apparently, this is a terrible, awful, ungodly thing. i would counter that any one member of the afro-carribean (et al.) community of birmingham probably has more faith in their little finger than my grandmother does in her whole being, despite her high-and-mighty attitude that she knows everything there is to know about religion. she thinks this, of course, because she's a verger. anyway... conversation moved on to, apparently, the possibility that there'll be a black james bond in a future movie - although i think, possibly, she might have mistaken the "MIB 2" advertising for this, but i didn't mention it - her plan-of-action being to write to 'someone' (she mentioned the sunday times magazine, where she'd heard the news) to complain that "james bond is meant to be a proper english gentleman, not a black bastard". at which point, all i wanted to do was get up and storm out, because ranting was beyond my capabilities and theirs to comprehend my point...
~then, dear friends, the icing on the cake - the archbishop, apparently, "supports those queers". at which point, i really did stop listening and tried to focus my attention on my buffy fic/watching voyager. the former was impossible as my muses had, by this point, gone into hiding; the latter was similarly impossible as my father then intervened with another inane comment.

and to top this off, there was a stupid, idiotic, pointless fly buzzing around my head by the window for five hours...

so, in summary:

a) my father is an idiot. i am ever more convinced of this fact. however, i am the world's most conniving daughter and this combination works quite well. (and, finally, he's sorted out the damn hotel for sunset boulevard... all those going, i'll let you know details when i know them myself.)
b) my grandmother will never change. she will also never realise that i'm not the sweet little girl she looked after, and i probably never will be, and the main reason for this is that it's her fault... but that's another incredibly long and tedious story that i won't recount here. you'll have to wait for the autobiography ;)
c) when the two of them get together, the urge to either obliterate the pair of them from the landscape, or kill myself slowly, becomes ever more tempting.
d) men like my father should not be allowed to breed. but that's probably quite a self-annihilistic thing to say.

anyway... in the car on the way home, i suddenly got the urge to climb to the top of the highest hill and just stand there a la julie andrews in "the sound of music", away from all the people, just overlooking the world. and i'm ever more convinced that one day, i will get the hell out of this country and tour america until i find somewhere i can feel completely safe, at home, and content. i no longer care how i get there, or why, but i'm going to get there even if it's the last thing i ever do...

rant over. i apologise. this has been brewing for a few weeks now and the heat of today finally brought it to the boil...