August 25th, 2002

Photo - leaves

yet another glorious sunday in the land of the family...

i was always under the impression one got p.m.t. immediately before the event in question... (which i realise may be sharing a tad too much, and for that i apologise, but i'm making a point...) but it turns out that either

a) i have permanent p.m.t. this is probably very likely
or
b) merely contemplating going to my father's house, on very little sleep, brings out the very worst in me. this is also incredibly likely. maybe it's a combination of the two.

anyway...

if it was just him, i could probably just about cope. similarly, if it was just my grandmother, i could probably cope. but when it's the pair of them together, i really, really can't. they argue over stupid things. i get ratty with her. i get rattier with him but he doesn't notice. she lays on the guilt trips...

today's escapades, ladies and gentlemen: well, okay, she was only there for two hours - unfortunately, these happened to be the last two hours i was there, from 4 til 6pm, which meant, as she'd walked from her house, that she came in the car with us when he drove me home. that's usually the most bearable part.

anyway. she'd got yet another shopping bag, this time with a picture of three cats in halloween costume on the front. on a teeshirt, it'd be cute; on a shopping bag, it's just plain disturbing. anyhoo, she offers me a swap - her catsbag, for my shawn the sheep. my shawn the frelling sheep! so, needless to say, i decline the offer. she wonders if they're still available. considering i bought mine about 3 years ago, i have no goddamn idea...

i was particularly quiet today, partly because i was tired, and mainly because i was pissed off with the world at large for merely existing. i was fairly surprised to find out he'd noticed i was being quiet - could it be he's actually paying attention to me? or was it just because i wasn't babbling incessently, pretending i haven't noticed he's completely disinterested in my pathetic existence...?

in the car, the guilt trip started. she wants me to go and see her. this would entail my getting about 4 different buses, or her picking me up, neither of which is particularly favourable. she wants me, in fact, to see her on wednesday - and i'd already told her that i was going to derby with naomi on wednesday, which she knew because when i explained we were going to take pictures of the pretty graveyard, she asked why we were going "all that way" (it's about an hour by train...) just to take pictures of a graveyard when there's one at quinton. it's a very specific graveyard. and going to the one in quinton would entail phoning people because it's attached to the church and seems to be constantly locked (which seems a very silly sentiment for a graveyard, but anyway...)

then, to my father, she started telling about one of her friends, or something (i'd half-blocked her out by this point) and how their grandchildren were "having the time of their life" with their grandmother. "and then i think of my grand-daughter..."

ugh. the guilt-trips don't work in making me go to see her; they never have. they're just really frelling irritating and make me feel like a complete and utter bitch, and, in fact, only result in my swearing i'll never go to see her, ever, as long as i live.

i've now reached the point where it involves too much energy to even try and be civil for more than 5 minutes, and it's inevitably not worth it. she's getting older and more forgetful, i appreciate this. but she's like a child, and still thinks i'm one, and i've had this for the past seven frelling years. although she doesn't say so, it's like she thinks my entire life is a 'practice run' and at some point i'll make the 'right' decision (meaning i'll do what she wants me to). example - upon asking me, for no reason, what religion i was, i replied "i'm not", and she semi-laughed it off, as if, in another five years, i will find my god and be redeemed. she hasn't accepted that the nice little girl she looked after turned into an opinionated little bitch who doesn't have the urge to be a dutiful grandchild any more.

only another month til uni starts and i'll be free til christmas... and the irritating thing is, i love being at home, with my own room and all my friends - but i find myself increasingly wanting to move out on my own, just to get away from my father and his side of the family.

help...