November 1st, 2002

Photo - leaves

(no subject)

this doesn't apply right now, but upon reading through old entries (and i was going to go to bed, like, 2 hours ago) i realised that the following is one of my favourite rants/angsts... i think, for once, it just managed to get my point across in a vaguely coherent manner...

"once upon a time, when my dreams were made of diamonds, and my future was far beyond my control, i could see myself up there on that stage. i could hear myself singing the part... jemima... grizabella... christine... eponine... i could hear the applause ringing out, and feel myself bowing, and see the set, all in my mind, clear as crystal. the boards beneath my feet... the musty, indistinguishable aroma of the theatre... the backstage entrance, the stairs, the corridors, the makeup... i knew it all. it was mine, and i could feel it in my grasp, and i knew that if i wished it hard enough, it would be mine...

but i grew up... i didn't take action... i lived on wishes and fantasies and a future i could see but never touch. and now, i can still see that stage, and hear the applause, but it's from a new angle based wholly in reality, in the auditorium, from the velvet padded seat, through the binoculars and the haze of dimmed lighting. if i try to hold onto the image of myself as the great star, it shatters, and all i see is the unconfident and talentless person that stares out of the mirror, who fumbles her lines and can't act for toffee."

and i apologise for the abundance of posts today... going to bed now, honest...
Photo - leaves


ahh... i remembered why i like having normal, fridays-off weekends. i get to sleep in on the friday morning. which means i get to go to bed later on thursday night, which means i get lots of sleep and have interesting, memorable dreams before i wake up.

today, it was, amazingly, an 'x-files' dream. i haven't had one of those in years :)

let's see if i can remember. there was a cabin in the woods somewhere. dogget, reyes and scully were all there (and then, later, mulder, which may be due to the final scene of the last episode, even though it wasn't in a cabin, but... anyway...) in the dream, it was the last episode and i was watching it (or it might have been the movie) - at the time of the actual episode i was complaining that although they resolved the mulder/scully thing, they left the doggett/reyes thing wide open and hopefully it'll be resolved in the next movie. so, anyway, in the dream episode, for some reason, john and monica suddenly decided to go and get married. (for which i blame 'audrey pauly' entirely, because it made me a doggett/reyes shipper...) scully seemed most perturbed by this decision for some reason.

next morning - monica isn't talking to john, although i never figured out why. and then there was this entire section of the episode that i missed (and i recall there was something with some girl they had to protect, but that's a blur, and also something with people after them, as usual...) because misto jumped onto the windowsill and kept trying to hurl himself out of the window, so i had to grab him (getting bitten in the process) and shut the window, thus missing about 20 seconds of the episode. so i rewound, discovering i'd missed a john/monica smooching session (this always bloody happens in dreams!) and then, a split second before i got to it again, my sodding alarm went off and completely destroyed my subconscious train of shippiness...


but i recall thinking that john and monica were so adorable it hurt... and also that, when mulder made his presence apparent, the whole thing descended into shameless shippiness.

wow. i'd forgotten what my x-files dreams were like. they tended to make the most sense out of all of them. and now i need to invade jenn's house and find the letter i wrote her with them all written down because i can't remember them all :(

now i'm going off to find doggett/reyes fanfic :)