December 2nd, 2002

Photo - leaves

(no subject)

well, last night was incredibly bizarre...

at 10.41, i went to bed, having sat through 3 hours worth of "harry potter and the chamber of secrets" (which, by the way, was fun, and the spiders really weren't that bad) and having gone on a "let's see how lost i get if i go this way" route back from the station, and being incredibly tired. this would have been advantageous and gained me in excess of 9 hours of sleep.

unfortunately, i woke up again about 2 hours later at 1.15. and promptly angsted myself to sleep thinking about life, the universe and everything else, in the midst of trying to sort out the so-fluffy-i-could-just-die sunset thing in my head, so i can write it down for myself do it doesn't go out of my head in a week's time. at 4.30, finally, i fell asleep. dead asleep, no dreams, no nothing, and then the alarm went off at 8.00 and i had to drag myself into uni.

luckily, contexts two today was just tutorials, so i got home at 2.00 instead of what is normally 4.15, but what would have been 6.45 (if i was lucky) tonight thanks to a choir rehearsal for the UoD christmas concert in a fortnight's time. which i'm still going to, but at least i'm not in uni all day. and i still have to set the video for farscape.

in the middle of my personal angst last night/this morning, i had a waking nightmare of my calling aisha tonight, and asking if she knew something i didn't about rachel's 21st birthday party (it turns out the invitation just hadn't got to me until this morning) - which then decompiled itself into my asking her exactly what the three of them thought of me, and that i was sick of being the third wheel - to her and gemma in first year, to her and crystal in sixth form, to crystal and rachel. which would then end with us falling out probably permanently.

and, thank frell, the invitation came this morning, and my panic was over nothing. however, i get the impression it'll all be deathly awkward come the day because i haven't seen rachel in god knows how long, aisha since last september, and crystal since my b'day, and those three are still very similar, and i'm not. or maybe that's just my perception on it. who knows. i tried to figure this out once already this year and i can't be bothered to do so again.

anyway. after this, the angst just turned into general life angst, which happens on a semi-regular basis anyway. an what follows is a sort of internal monologue that was going on in my tired-and-refusing-to-let-me-sleep-and-intermingled-with-sunset-fluff brain. reading it is optional. i'm not expecting comments or sympathy or anything; i don't even know why i'm posting it, other than i have nothing else to do with it than write it down, and nowhere else to put it. it's not directed at anyone in particular; rather, it's directed at anyone who does, ever has, or ever will know me, anyone who reads my journal, anyone who doesn't, anyone who might. and whether it's even true to me any more is also debatable, but, anyway, here it is.

p.s: please don't read anything into this. as i said, i was really tired when this was going around my brain, and i'm pretty sure it wasn't even in my voice, so i'm going to blame one of the Muses. as joeMuse and normaMuse were busy trying to get my brain back onto the fluff, that narrows it down to four of them; it won't take me long to figure out who... but seriously. this means nothing. don't worry about me. i do, however, feel that they are valid hypothetical questions, in any case...

Collapse )

to anyone that read it, i repeat, it means nothing... really. just tired ramblings from a confused brain at 3am.

however, i feel i should do some glorious farscape angstfic while i'm still in angst queen mode...
Photo - leaves

(no subject)

so, after some deliberation, i have decided to forego rachel's 21st birthday party. maybe i'm a bitch, but at least i have something resembling reasoning.

1 - i have literally no money. or, in fact, i have a lot of it, but it has a minus sign before it. and it costs £30 return to get to southhampton, and that's booking 14 days in advance, which i've missed, so god only knows how much it'll cost otherwise. therefore, it's probably far wiser to get her a nice present, than to get her no present at all because i spent the money on train tickets. isn't it?

2 - in all fairness, she didn't come to my birthday thing either. fair is fair.

3 - not so much reasoning, just the fact that really, i don't even want to go. it's easy enough to meet up with everyone at christmas, because at least then we're all in the same goddamn city, not three different ones. and i can just tell, it'll be horrible. there's still bad air between rachel and i; i can frelling feel it from here, for god's sake. i won't enjoy it, she won't enjoy me being there, so it's probably better if i'm not.

so yes. i'm not going. and i know i'll probably still be sodding apologising come 2005.

but for now, i have to apologise to everyone, in general, for the current angst-state of my journal, and for anyone i've been bitchy to lately without realising. you all know who you are. and i can't promise it'll stop any time soon, either, but i want you at least to know that it's not intentional.