October 5th, 2004

Random - Oblivion wheels

Random unconnected thoughts, mostly directed at equally random people.

~ Screaming down the telephone at me is not the best way to gain my cooperation first thing in the morning, especially when the situation is out of my hands.

~ I can think of millions of excuses right now to avoid you, and hardly any to see you.  It's not you, it's me.  I am a walking cliché.  I wish you'd be angrier with me, instead of this calm acceptance.  Anger, I can deal with; anger, I can fend off with a million explanations.  Acceptance just leaves me reeling.

~ Guilt smells like Gardenia, but is invisible other than that.

~ If it seems like I'm hassling you, it's because I have a party to organise, and your cooperation would be greatly appreciated.  I just want to know if you're coming, or not.  Is that really so much to ask?

~ Please learn that giving me newspaper articles about people 'getting rich quick' by writing children's books is not going to inspire me.  In fact, it is just going to make me violently annoyed.  I have no desire to be the next J.K.Rowling.  I have no desire to be the next anyone.  I desire to write; that is all.

~ I had forgotten how good escapism was, and now I want it back.  I want to journey to distant galaxies, uncharted territories, hellmouths, places I'll never get to see, from the comfort of my armchair.

~ I miss Derby more than I ever thought I would.  I think I'm starting to understand why so many people go on to do post-grads.  In my case, it would be putting off the inevitability of real life a little longer.  And yet, were I to move back there permanently, I'd miss Birmingham too much.  There was a moment last year when I realised I could never leave this place: I stepped out of the Pallisades onto the ramp, and it was raining and grey and full of people, and it felt like I was coming home.  I wanted to come back here; now I want to go back there.

~ I've been thinking about him again, at exactly the wrong time.

~ In being torn between Athens and Los Angeles, I have inevitably chosen Athens.  There's the money issue - it's £100 cheaper - and the fact that if Vicky doesn't go with me she'll have to go with Laura and will probably not enjoy herself because they'll be arguing.  There's also the wider issue of my getting to America.  Maybe if Aisha's elective had been in June as I originally thought, it might be doable, but with both happening at Easter, I definitely can't afford it.  She wants me to go with her; I'd willingly join her for the bus tour, but that's still £600 in itself, plus spending money.  And even though my heart is screaming at me to go out there, telling me it's everything I've always dreamed of, another part of me is wagging its finger and telling me I can't go, because I haven't earned it.  And that's always been the plan, you see.  To earn it.  So it's been a very difficult decision, but I won't be going with her to L.A.  She'll understand; I know she will.  I've waited this long, and I can wait longer, another five years, another ten, longer still, until I am in such a position as to be satisfied enough with everything I've achieved to say "Well, here we go."  And then, it'll feel so much better.  Right?

~ It turns out, rather ironically, that I am utterly useless at normal human emotions, especially my own.  I can be content either surrounded by people, or completely on my own, but one-on-one interaction terrifes me.  I simultaneously feel the need to explain myself, explain why I am the way I am and why I just can't do this, whilst trying to act like a normal human being.  Fictional people, I can deal with; real people... real people are complex creatures with minds of their own, and I don't think I can cope with that lack of control.

That is all.  Comment, advise, or question at will.