September 1st, 2005

Photo - leaves

In addition to the previous post.

I've written about 1000 words of fic this evening.  Prior to that, I re-read the entire of Sweet Intoxication to try and get reinspired, as well as most of Come Forward, and a couple of fics from random fandoms - mostly awful, but anyway.

Considering I've not written anything even slightly creative in... gawd, ages.  Five months?  I can't even remember...  Considering that, this is definitely a positive development.  1000 words of fic - of anything, really - is quite pathetic by my previous standards, but after the rut I've been in for so long, it feels bloody marvellous...

I was feeling so completely, utterly helpless...  it's so strange, to have all these words, pictures and movies in my head and not be able to write them down or articulate them in any useful fashion.  Even when I had the time, I couldn't make the words flow.  I couldn't get them from my brain to my fingertips, or at least to coherency.  Somehow, somewhere, they were getting lost in translation, popping up for a fleeting moment to remind me of my creativity, before disappearing to some dusty filing cabinet in the back of my brain.  Even this entry isn't how I pictured it in my head, because the words are going too fast for me to catch them.

This is why I needed the time off.  My head has been full of a million thoughts and feelings and stories, full to bursting, with no means of release.  To stay up even this late (oh, how I miss those 4.00am struggles to finish a sentence, a paragraph, a chapter...) is a welcome change, knowing I don't have to get up tomorrow to go to work, knowing I won't be utterly exhausted.  I needed this time to find myself again, find that part of myself that lived only for writing... and I think I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

It's going to take time and effort.

Things are getting better now.  The job situation is stabilising; I'll be earning more money, as well as enjoying all the benefits of a proper employee, and by being in position - having already held down the job for over a year - my future prospects may be better.  I'm hopeful that the counselling will help, even though I know, through the nature of my personality, it's going to be hard work and emotionally taxing.

I refuse to be an outright optimist.  Things go well, but then even more things go horrendously badly to make up for it, and this is how things have always been.  I know that once I return to work in a week or so, the overwhelming tiredness will take over again... but with any luck, it may be conquerable.

I need to get back into writing, and through writing, back into fandom.  I miss fandom.  I miss the in-jokes, the quotes, the finding of new friends.  I miss being part of a greater whole, and the knowledge it brings.  I miss the character voices in my head, keeping me awake until Stupid O'Clock when I'm trying to sleep.  Fandoms come and go, but they linger.  My fandoms have been many and copious, but they have stayed with me.  More than anything, I miss the escapism that fandom brings, and the catharsis and satisfaction of fanfiction.

Still.  1000 words.  I'm getting there.