March 7th, 2007

Cabaret - Mein Herr

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I think last night's entry wins the award for "Most Pointless Ever". I had a point when I started, but I was obviously a lot more tired than I thought. Plus Paul had already drunk most of a bottle of wine before I got home and wouldn't STFU so I could concentrate on what I was trying to do, and I'd reached the point of tiredness where my brain was having trouble multi-tasking.

I was going to go on again after tea, but instead ended up watching "Interview with a Poltergeist", a documentary about the famous Enfield poltergeist in North London in the 1970s. Quite interesting, really, but quite a shame that at the time they didn't have the technology that the Most Haunted team do, since most of the video and audio footage leaves a lot to individual interpretation.

Probably just as well I didn't go on, anyway, because as soon as I got into bed I got out my personal journal and started scribbling in there like a madwoman. Starting that journal was probably the best thing I ever did, even though it sat empty for the best part of a year. Last night's entry was the first real, cathartic one in a while.

(I also lost the flow of that, because then Paul came to bed and got worried I was writing in it and kept interrupting me - "You're writing a lot! What's wrong?".)

I was going to tidy it up - as I often say I'm going to do - and put a version on here, but have since decided against it. I was also going to do a friends-filter rejigging, and decided against that as well.

I seem to have developed a particular sort of PMT that kicks in a week before I'm due and makes me supremely paranoid that nobody actually likes me, a paranoia which was triggered by several systematic events yesterday afternoon and evening. I can't be bothered to explain why, because I know full well it's petty and stupid... but knowing that doesn't make it go away.

The long and short of it is, whenever I lose friends, it's either into the ether, or to other friends, because they turn out to be cooler than me. I seem to end up as this floating entity somewhere in the middle of all the friendship, wanting to be a part of the energy and ending up as just... filling a gap. Sometimes the gap isn't there to start with.

This will pass in a week or so, I imagine, but it comes back every month and it's more than a little annoying. And, believe me, it's better than the previous bouts of ever-increasing PMT over as much as 72 days. This is just another of those annoying, niggling little issues that I should really try and deal with and will, as ever, wait until it goes away...

On the plus side, of course, writing things down did help immensely... and at least, these days, I have that luxury, and the words will actually transfer from brain to page without getting trapped.

Hopefully today won't be too annoying, and if it is then swimming tonight will calm me down again. Adrenaline = good for the soul. As is soprano singing. It's days like today I'm quite glad I don't work at LAO any more, as Sandra's very existence would be irriting.

Oh, and! Out of sight but not necessarily out of mind - if someone else's recent bullying case is anything to go by, I probably could've got Sandra fired for effectively bullying me, if I'd brought it up. I read the anti-harrassmnent policy back to front three times, but that only deals with specific harrassment issues like age, sex, sexuality, race, etc. There's no policy for 'general' harrassment.

And if the case Paul told me about the other day is also anything to go by, I could definitely have gotten her fired over her use of the term 'faggotty'...

I should stop writing this entry. My brain is full of randomness. Sorry.

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