anyway, whilst clearing out an old box full of junk/work from school - and after all, it's not like i need the pieces of artwork from year 3, is it? - i uncovered the Sixth Form Revue Sketch That Never Was! when it was our turn, salma and i suggested we'd write an x-files sketch to go in the revue - the plan was that it would be an ongoing theme, that recurred throughout the show - since nobody had ever done one before. alas, they gave us two days to produce the script, and we didn't finish it. but it shall live on! so here, i present:
(It is, of course, one long in-joke, and will make no sense to non-Handsworth people. It was also, at one point, going to be filmed [like everything else it seems like a good idea to film...] Actually, it'll probably make no sense out of context of that particular year, either, but... anyway. Beware the insane humour of two mad 18-year-old Philes! Fear the awful dialogue! Be afraid of the horrible characterisation! Read on, if you can cope...)
(And I have, naturally, made it considerably less hideous than the thing I'm typing from. I respect your sanity that much... The scenes here were meant to be scattered throughout the revue, so... imagine the usual raucousness going on in between.)
(The hall's lights are turned off in rows, starting from the back (excluding the Christmas tree), in the following order: 1, 2, 3, 5, "oops", turn on 5, 4 off, 5, 6, etc, until all lights are extinguished. Two dark figures are seen snooping around suspiciously, a toilet flush is heard, and the two figures scarper.)
Theme tune to "The X-Files"
(Mulder and Scully fall up the steps to the stage, holding enormous torches and shining them around the audience, lingering on certain individuals suspiciously [I think we were going to try and find people we knew - Vickie, etc. - for effect.] Then they shine the torches onto each other.)
MULDER: So, what's the news, Scully?
SCULLY: Five hundred books wer stolen. The janitor says when he checked on them, not one remained. He was very upset. He told the local authorities, but they weren't interested, and that's why we were called in.
MULDER: I thought we had no jurisdiction out here? (Scully shrugs.) Any witnesses?
SCULLY: Only one - the Headmistress, Elspeth Insch.
MULDER: The principal? Well, we should talk to her, then.
(They go off-stage.)
(Miss Insch is seated behind a desk. Mulder and Scully stand on the other side of it, on either side of her, playing Good Cop/Bad Cop.)
SCULLY: Miss Insch, where were you on the night of the crime?
INSCH: I was working late in my office. Everyone else had gone home.
MULDER: And what exactly were you doing here so late?
INSCH: I was thinking of how to make this school a better place, for a head teacher should not just perform the bare duties, no sir, but should do as much as she can to help her students. I put all my heart and soul into my work and when I see people like these blasted nincompoops ruining chances for my gals, it makes my blood boil. (Half angry, half crying...)
SCULLY: Miss Insch, earlier you told the police you saw someone in the school.
INSCH: Yes, I did. A shadow fell upon me as someone passed my office. But when I poked my head outside the door, there was no-one there.
SCULLY: And you have no idea who this shadow could belong to?
INSCH: Well, I'm sure it was a person. Yes. Quite sure. (Smiling.)
MULDER: You may go, now.
(Miss Insch goes offstage.)
SCULLY: So what do you think?
MULDER: I think there's definitely something strange here.
MULDER: Like her, going on about caring so much for her girls. Everybody knows Heads don't care that much about their students.
SCULLY: Yeah, I thought that was a bit strange. And what about her going on about working? How gullible does she think we are? Anyone with half a brain knows that Heads don't work.
MULDER: Except ours, right Scully? (She's not amused.) Yeah, well, anyway, I have a theory, but I don't think you're gonna like it much.
SCULLY: Let me guess. It involves Miss Insch being abducted by aliens and being replaced by a fake Miss Insch, who is to destroy the world of education, starting by stealing books from a school.
MULDER: Should we be exchanging rings, or what? ([Apologies for that. I was the World's Most Terrifying Shipper back then...])
SCULLY: Like the rest of your theories, this one is far-fetched, utterly implausible, and preposterous.
MULDER: That's not my theory. Actually, I don't have a theory yet, but I don't think it has anything to do with aliens. (Off-stage gasping.)
SCULLLY: Mulder, you just keep on folding like a flower. So what do we do now?
MULDER: We wait.
(Two students are on stage. With apologies to the "Goodness Gracious Me" team and Bob&Baz for blatant plagiarism... This had a complex range of hand gestures that were funny as hell in the bus 'rehearsals'...)
STUDENT 1: Did ya hear about the books gettin' nicked?
STUDENT 2: Yeah, did you? (1 gives him a "duh" look.)
1: I fought it mighty stwange. Innit, man, innit?
2: Yeah, mighty stwange.
1: Someone told me we might have ta go over to fve boy's school coz we ain't got books, ya know?
2: (Grins.) That'd be mighty nice, that would. All ven geezerz an' all. Eh, eh, eh?
1&2: Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh?
2: Ya don't fink they'll go suspectin us students, do ya?
1: Nah. (Pauses.) Nah. (Pauses.) Maybe. But I fink they'll suspect the teachers, innit.
2: Why? Dem teachers got enuff books, man!
1: Yeah, but the way I see it, right, is that the teacher's don't wanna really teach us, right, but they don't wanna go on strike, cos they could lose vere jobs, right, but if they nick all the books, then they can't teach us, and they're all safe. Innit?
(Off stage voice says: "But won't they lose their jobs anyway if they can't teach?" Both students think for a while.)
1: Who asked you, anyway?
2: Yeah, who said you could butt in?
1: Nobody said you could stick your fat beak in. (Bell rings) Gotta go, mate. (They do their sign and special handshake and go off stage in opposite directions, first walking slowly, then legging it with a final "Innit!")
Interrogating Mrs. Brown. Mulder is sitting on the table, Scully at it.)
SCULLY: (Bored.) So, what were you doing before you left school?
MULDER: (Looking at Mrs. Brown with his scary flirty expression.) Yeah, what were you doing?
SCULLY: (Annoyed.) I just asked her...
BROWN: I was teaching year ten. I made some perfectly round buns.
MULDER: Perfectly round?
SCULLY: (Ignores him.) And then what?
BROWN: (Moving her head in a curious fashion.) Uh... I went home.
SCULLY: And what did you do then?
BROWN: (Still moving head.) Uhhhh... I made some health food.
SCULLY: It's a felony to lie to the FBI...
BROWN: I went to Holland and Barret and bought some sunflower seeds...
MULDER: (A la Homer Simpson:) Mmmmm... sunflower seeds...
BROWN: (Looks at him, still moving her head.) Yes, that's right.
SCULLY: Thank you. You're free to go. (Exit Mrs Brown, still moving her head in that oh-so-curious fashion.)
(Mrs Griffiths being interrogated. Because she's funny.)
GRIFFITHS: (Hesitating.) I had.. forgotten something at school.
SCULLY: What, exactly?
GRIFFITHS: Uh, it was sort of... um, well, sort of... my... *ahem* my son.
MULDER: You forgot your son?
SCULLY: (Elbows Mulder - she doesn't have time for this.) Can you tell us exactly what you saw?
GRIFFITHS: I was looking for him, you know, sort of, under my desk, when I saw a shadow fall over me. My heart sort of started beating faster, and I felt a strange sort of weightlessness, and then I knew He had come for me-
SCULLY: Sorry, who?
GRIFFTHS: The Messiah, of course. (One "Hallelujah!" from Handel's "Messiah", and a scratching record sound.)
MULDER: (Gives Scully his rare sceptical look.) The Messiah?
GRIFFITHS: Of course.
SCULLY: (Not convinced.) Did you find your son?
GRIFFITHS: I did. I went down to the music department at the end of the day, and found him sort of talking to the Yeo children.
SCULLY: (Worried.) Is that... some sort of cult? ("Sort of" is contagious...)
GRIFFITHS: Good heavens, no! You see, there's this sort of teacher called Mr. Yeo, and his two boys were sort of hanging around in his sort of office waiting for his sort of, you know, choir to finish rehearsing, and my son was talking to them.
MULDER: I see, and what did you do then?
GRIFFITHS: I took him back to the R.S. Office, and when I got there all of the Bibles were sort of... gone.
SCULLY: All of the Bibles?
GRIFFITHS: Every one. Then I saw the sort of shadow again, and realised that it couldn't have been the Messiah if He didn't know his own teachings. (They both look at her strangely, even though it makes some kind of bizarre sense.) Now, I have to go and photostat these papers, so if you have no more questions...
SCULLY: I think that's all we need to know from you, Mrs. Griffiths.
(Mulder and Scully are down to their last two teachers. They are sitting in one of the rooms. Enter Dr. Kiely. She comes in smiling, but as soon as she opens the door, her expression changes to disgust. She is carrying: an obviously fake book [large, hardback] labelled "ENGLISH", and a huge folder labelled "All Year 11 essays - grade C-D".)
KIELY: For God's sake, will someone open the window! It stinks in here! No, I'm not coming in until there is fresh air circulating in here. This is really not acceptable behaviour. (Mulder is travelling towards the window, trying to open them single-handedly [har!], and Scully fears for her life. [And frighteningly enough, I can still hear her saying that...]) Sorry. It's a habit. (She sits.)
SCULLY: That's all right. Dr. Kiely, I presume?
KIELY: You're the agents. I suppose you have many questions to ask me. Do proceed.
MULDER: What were you doing at the end of school yesterday?
KIELY: I didn't come into school yesterday. I was at a lecture on the appreciation of Seamus Heaney. Do you know him? Wonderful poet. Such... such imagination, brought to life with such vivid presentations of emotions-
SCULLY: Um, so you didn't come to the school for any reason?
MULDER: Thank you. That'll be all. (Wise man... Get rid of her, quick.) Well, that was useful...
SCULLY: (Shakes her head exasperatedly, shouts:) NEXT!
(Mr Goulding is sitting in the room, fidgeting.)
MULDER: So, you were at the school because the computer messed up?
GOULDING: Yes. Er. Yes. That's correct.
MULDER: And you didn't see anything?
GOULDING: I saw many things...
MULDER: I mean, anything out of the ordinary, something suspicious.
GOULDING: I... er... no. I mean... I don't think so.
MULDER: Perhaps you should think harder.
GOULDING: (Intense look of concentration.) Not to my knowledge... no.
MULDER: Are you sure?
GOULDING: Well... not positive.
GOULDING: I really can't remember anything about yesterday.
SCULLY: Why is that?
GOULDING: As I said, the computer was messed up, and I was trying to sort out timetables for an irate Lower Sixth...
SCULLY: (Aside to Mulder:) This guy is useless...
MULDER: You're right. (To Mr. Goulding.) You can go.
GOULDING: Oh, good, because I need to practice my piano piece for the concert. I have to get it right first time, you know! (Exit, muttering.) Now, what would make a fascinating assembly for the Lower School... Stamp Collecting! Of course. That would wake them up on Monday morning...
(The agents are somewhere in the school.)
MULDER: Scully, did you notice something strange about the alibis?
SCULLY: Yeah, actually... Miss Insch said there was nobody in the school, but we found at least four other teachers who were in the school that night.
MULDER: I mean apart from that...
SCULLY: Apart from that?
MULDER: Look, Miss Insch's ignorance can be justified by the fact that she's the Headmistress, but there's something else.
SCULLY: I wouldn't say 'justified', exactly, and... there is?
SCULLY: Well, what is it?
MULDER: I don't exactly know yet.
SCULLY: You don't know what it is, but you know it's there?
MULDER: (Aware she may be mocking him...) Yeah. It's an instinct thing. Like a woman's instinct; you should know.
SCULLY: I... I hate to point out the obvious, Mulder, but you're not a woman.
MULDER: Really? Oh. Well, thanks for that. I was having doubts.
(The agents are standing outside a door.)
SCULLY: We've been here for three hours. I don't think anything's going to happen.
MULDER: No, I've got a feeling that something will happen any time now.
SCULLY: That woman's intuition again? By the way, when you say 'now', do you mean now now, or a vague 'now' some time in the future...?
MULDER: Shh! I hear something!
SCULLY: (Quietly:) What? Is it a person?
MULDER: No, it's a flying pig. What d'you think? (They back up against the wall, and the two students from earlier appear.)
2: (Walks into something - a wall, one of the agents, an 'unfinished' piece of art work that looks like Ms. Roberts has had her hands on it...) Ow!
1: Wotcha doin', man? You're gonna get us cawt!
2: Sorry, man, innit...
1: Yeah. Anyway, you know wot we're doin', yeah?
2: Yeah. (Thinks.) Nah.
1: It's Parents' Evenin', innit?
2: Wot's 'at, ven?
1: Wot, you don't know what it is? You're well backward, you. It's when all our teachers slag us off to our mums 'n' dads, innit?
2: Oh! Oh, yeah!
1: We've gotta stay afta school, in't we?
2: Oh, yeeeeah!
1: C'mon, man, let's go down to fve playroom.
2: But I wanna watch telly...
1: Vere's nuffin on.
2: Wot about Wizadoooora, man? Classiiiiiic!
1: Oh, wight. 'K, ven. We'll go to room firteen.
(In which we decide to bring in Phil and Lil from the Rugrats, for no apparently feasible reason...)
PHIL: I know where the ooks are.
LIL: You do?
P: Yeah, I saw 'em.
L: You're lying.
P: Am not!
L: Are, too!
P: Am not, Lilleaaaan.
L: Are, too, Philliiip.
P: No, Lilleaaaan.
L: Yes, Philliiiip... What's a ook, anyway?
P: It's... y'know... that.
L: No, what?
P: Oh, shut up, Lilleaaan!
L: You shut up, Philliiip!
The agents are seen walking down the Library Corridor... Or, in fact, across the stage. Maybe a sign can point to "Library"...) Scully limps.
SCULLY: Ugh, I can't believe that idiot stood on my foot. It still hurts.
MULDER: Stop complaining.
SCULLY: I was expecting just an ounce of sympathy from you.
MULDER: You've been complaining about it for two days. I'm all out of original sympathetic remarks and sincerity to go with them.
SCULLY: Have you noticed we're not getting anywhere with this case, or am I the only one with any brains around here?
MULDER: You're really bitter when you're in pain, you know that? (They continue arguing down the corridor, Scully yelling, "I do it all for you, for you, all for you, all the time! - from "Bad Blood"... Talking of which, the best line [of many, admittedly] has to be "...and it wasn't even real cream cheese, it was light cream cheese...")
(This scene more written for the filmed version... Mulder and Scully are walking down the corridor in the style of "The Bill" end credits. Oddly enough, they are both wearing heels. It's the middle corridor, and as they pass room 13, with the door wide open and BeX screaming at the first years, the camera lingers inside the room, to show that SciFi club is, of course, showing an episode of "The X-Files"... The agents come to a halt in front of Miss Insch's office, and knock on the door. The green light comes on, and they enter.)
INSCH: Hello, once again. Do sit down, please. Would you like a drink? No, I expect you'd like to get straight down to business...
MULDER: So what did you want to tell us? Anything important?
SCULLY: Forgive my partner's sarcasm... what he means is, has anything occurred since our visit.
INSCH: No. Not a thing.
MULDER: If you don't mind my saying so, that's a very suspicious-sounding 'no'...
INSCH: I mean to say, the case is closed.
SCULLY: I think we should be the judges of that.
INSCH: No, I mean it's sorted out.
MULDER: Sorted out?
SCULLY: The books are back?
INSCH: In a manner of speaking...
MULDER: In a manner of speaking?
INSCH: Would you stop repeating everything I say?
MULDER: I wasn't.
SCULLY: Miss Insch! Where are the books?
SCULLY: Finally, we're getting somewhere. Whereabouts downstairs?
SCULLY: Look, we all want to go home, so you might as well tell us.
INSCH: I... can't tell you. Oh, it's so embarrassing.
SCULLY: Fine! (She stomps off somewhere. Mulder follows.)
The agents walk through the playroom, unawares of the admiring year 11 girls following them. They enter the corridor at the computer room, having a conversation about stuff in general. A strange figure enters the toilets in front of them, and they give chase. Inside, a strange scene greets them.
SCULLY: Oh my God! (The scene is... the Mafia, intermingled with aliens and who knows what else. It's a fancy dress party, it seems, but the agents haven't realised this, and draw their weapons. The Mafia people do the same, getting into the swing of it.
MULDER: FBI! Drop your weapons! (Nothing happens, so the 'Mafia' shoot - little 'BANG!' flags appear out of their guns, and somehow Mulder and Scully end up shooting each other... naturally... The last thing we see is a copy of a science text book (Biology, aptly enough) sitting on the loo roll holder...)
i'm so, so sorry... on reflection, it wouldn't really have been that entertaining... but anyway, now you know what you missed. flame at will!