T'eyla Minh (teylaminh) wrote,
T'eyla Minh
teylaminh

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I'm not getting paid enough for this (part 1)

So. It looks like I have a lot of work ahead of me. We decided to help Shafiq with his backlog of outstanding minutes to get him out of trouble... which has resulted in me having to go through his filing cabinet to find the overdue paperwork (about 25 sets, by the looks of things). The next stage is to make a list of them all so that Cynthia can help to prioritise them, and go to photocopy his notebooks to get the minutes for typing.

This is going to take days. If I wasn't so proud, I'd request help from a temp. :P

But hopefully I may be able to get in lots of overtime and gain a flex day. Hopefully. Assuming I don't die of exhaustion. In any case, I have five days of annual leave to use up before April, so I'll be taking a well-deserved week off at some point.

Well, I'm going to Matalan tonight for some retail therapy. :D

The St John's Wort seems to be working. Paul commented last night that I seemed more chipper, and he's right. I'm feeling a lot more like myself these days. My inspiration to write is coming back in little stops and starts, like an ancient car trying to start in the morning. That little metaphor right there is proof enough.

I keep thinking back to the period between June to December 2005, especially August and September, and it honestly feels, in retrospect, like I was close to a complete breakdown. I have never cried so much in my entire life, never felt so despairing, helpless or lost, with absolutely no drive to do anything about it. I've spent six months of my life feeling apathetic, paranoid, upset, flat and exhausted, and for all the times I thought I was going insane at University, it was never as bad as that. I lost my ability to write - I lost my entire creative buzz - and being unable to vent in any way just made things worse. It wasn't a lack of ideas, as such, just that somewhere between my brain and my fingertips, the ideas were getting lost in translation. You have no idea how frustrating that is. It's like writers' block, multiplied by oblivion.

I don't know if it was the counselling that helped - although it did make me think about things and go "Yeah, actually, that makes sense" - but as soon as 2006 started it's like something switched. Maybe it's just psychological; a new start, all that rubbish. But I've been feeling so much more positive since then, and since taking the St John's Wort/Valerian combination (the latter of which I'm mostly only taking because of the anti-inflammatory painkilling qualities these days) I'm starting to feel, heaven forbid, normal.

It's a slow process. It only takes one little bit of negativity to throw me off track again, but it's taking less time to forget about it and get back to normal. Things that would previously have sent me spiralling into dark, angsty brooding are pretty much bouncing off me; I feel better equipped, basically, to deal with life. I'm still terrified of That Future Thing, but I feel somewhat more inclined to actually do something about it.

And - this is the best thing - I think I'm less tired. Or at least, tired in an entirely different way. Physically tired, rather than emotionally and mentally exhausted. I'm achieving things, rather than wasting my life away on the internet.

Am I happy? Not yet. But I think I'm empowered enough to make it there.

And on that introspective note, I need the loo. And then I'll get working on that backlog, because it's ogling me from the desk in the corner.
Tags: health, work: child protection
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