T'eyla Minh (teylaminh) wrote,
T'eyla Minh
teylaminh

Addendum...

In addition to yesterday's post - well, specifically, the final sentence that sparked the barrage of comments...

It was actually intended to be slightly sarcastic, and I'm somewhat surprised it even got a response (especially since nobody ever pays any bloody attention usually :P), let alone a string of them.

All comments received are fair. Yes, I'm not around as much and yes, I realise that often there is nothing to be said. What you all have to understand is that even when I was updating almost regularly, I was getting the same amount of comments that I am now. This says nothing for the quality of my more recent posts - or the popularity of them? - but of the earlier ones.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. A lot of this is due to some residual paranoia left over from before, and it mostly relates to RL friends and not having seen them as often as I'd like because they never tell me anything. And it's not like they have any excuse for that, because my mobile number has never changed, and nor has my email address. As a result, I feel like I don't know most of them any more, and I find that when I do run into them either accidentally or intentionally, things become quite strained because I'm a lot more fragile than I used to be. (Oh, woe is me, etc.) I don't like conflicts of any sort and am more likely to give up and crawl inside myself rather than try to hold up my end of the argument. This is also one of the reasons I can't 'do' fandom any more, because fandom arguments are some of the most passionate and opinionated debates there can be, and I don't have the energy for them any more.

I suppose what I'm attempting to say is that it would have been nice to have the support from friends when I needed it. There was a brief flurry back in June after I'd been to see the doctor and first posted about it all, and a few supportive words after that, but then it just seemed to dry up. (And please note, this paragraph does not apply to those who DID keep offering supportive words throughout, and I am grateful for that.) Sometimes when you're going crazy, the best thing in the world can be for someone to make you think you're not.

And I know, the endless barrage of angsty/angry/frustrated posts probably got really tedious by Christmas. But you should all know by now that writing is and always has been my only escape - and that in itself was a whole other issue at the time - and those posts were my only mechanism for keeping remotely sane.

There was some other stuff going on in my head as well. Stuff like: thinking I'd disappointed people for turning out straight after all, feeling like everything I did to try and help myself (at one point) was fuel for someone else's anger. Stuff like that.

Hence why the current paranoia and bitterness is what's left. The whole experience was an uphill struggle on a running machine, and it's subsequently left me drained and aching.

There are some that this never applied to; there are some to whom it is directly addressed, whether intentionally or otherwise. If you don't know who you are, I'm not going to tell you.

Gah, this turned into a guilt trip when I didn't intend it to. I'm not blaming anyone for anything, and I know a lot of it is because I'm obviously completely mad and should appreciate what I have instead of moaning about what I haven't. But if people haven't realised yet that I am quite invested into friendships... I don't know. I only lose people if they hurt me or vice versa, so to lose people without having apparently done anything... you do the arithmetic.

I'm going to stop there. I don't think I've properly explained. And I have work to do (for once).

I'm not asking to surround myself with serial commenters. All I ask is that when I try and post something interesting, it's acknowledged. Otherwise it just feels like I'm wasting internet space with my pointless journal diarrhoea.
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