I need to get back to the gym. Like soon. We were doing quite well in January and February and then we got to March and it all went pear-shaped because there are birthdays everywhere and the bloody Equinox concert ate two of my weekends and most of my energy. The plan was to go to the gym twice per week and swimming on Sundays; thus far we've been swimming once (in January) and haven't been to the gym in about four weeks because I've been too frigging tired.
Ideally I should be going three times per week but when I was doing that it destroyed any free time I had left, what with choir rehearsals already taking up Tuesdays for ten months of the year. I figured that twice per week plus swimming (low impact but still a full-body workout) would be easy enough to sustain; and then work started being annoying and stealing my afternoons as well as the rest of my day because my colleagues are selfish and presumptuous and think I have no life. I have been consistently gaining flex since mid-February; it's no wonder I'm exhausted. I doubt it will be very long now before I have a burn-out and my attendance starts to taper off again; and like last time, I doubt my line manager will notice if it does.
We were meant to go to the gym last week. And also this week. I packed our rucksacks on Sunday night with good intentions, then woke up on Monday morning with a migraine because the weekend was so busy I didn't get chance to recharge. Yesterday I managed to take my kit into work at least, but my attempt at a healthy lunch backfired because the salad I bought wasn't very nice, so I didn't finish it and had no energy, so I didn't go.
The thing is, I know full well that once I start going again I will have more energy and be more motivated to stick to it. But it's so difficult to be bothered when I'm this tired. If I'm tired and not concentrating, I'm afraid of hurting myself. If I go after a stressful day at work I am more likely to overdo it (the last time Forgetful and GodSquad pissed me off I vented my frustration on the cross-trainer) and thus similarly afraid of hurting myself. Also, work stressing me out makes me comfort-eat at lunchtime (or in the evening, or both), and it exhausts me, and exhaustion makes me disorganised, lazy and demotivated, and so the cycle continues.
We have booked our holiday now for September. I have 25 weeks in which to lose 25kg, which is basically the 4st I need to lose to get back to where I was before I started working full time. I would even settle for 3st at this juncture, or to fit back into my jeans. I need to lose 2lb per week, which sounds easy but really, really isn't. It's especially annoying because I know what to eat and what not to eat, but it's too easy to fall back into old bad habits. It doesn't help that Paul comes home from work late and is also tired, so we spend the evening doing bugger all when we could be making healthy lunches for work. We've barely even cooked this week either.
The upshot is that right now, when I should be looking forward to our holiday in September - and equally our long weekend in Tenby in April - I am instead dreading what I'll look like if I don't get myself bloody organised. The holiday is supposed to be the incentive to get back to the gym, eat properly, lose the weight and keep it off. Thus far it has not worked, and I'm beginning to think that I'm doomed now never to lose any weight. For God's sake, I hated my body enough before putting a load of weight on in July.
Meh. My plan for next week and thereafter was to reinstate gym attendance, buy a load of pre-mixed salad and some variously flavoured dressings, and start making my own salads for work. Let's see what happens on Monday, shall we? Making my own salad is the only way forward I can see other than living off soup; I hate cucumber and I hate (raw) tomatoes and every salad I buy at the supermarkets contains copious amounts of both.
The unfair thing is when I was a student I lived off ready meals and pasta and didn't like vegetables, and I was four stone lighter. But I was also walking everywhere and sleeping all day, so maybe that has something to do with it. :P
Now for something completely different, if not entirely new.
I've been trying to avoid admitting this for a while. I always knew that one day, one of my fandoms would break me to the point that I stopped wanting to be involved in it. I just never anticipated it would be Phantom.
No matter how bad things got, there would always be the live show. The live show always redeemed the fandom against its many heinous crimes: the 2004 movie, the godawful sequel, ALW and his insane ideas. I had just started to think that the DVD of the gala show at the Albert Hall might be enough to eclipse the fail of the movie, that I could finally stop being angry about it and leave it behind as a minor blip on the landscape of the fandom. And until very recently I'd been looking forward to booking up for the UK tour, assuming it doesn't sell out within 20 seconds of tickets going on sale.
There have been rumours floating about phanwank regarding the staging of the tour production. I've been trying not to pay any attention - or at the very least I've not watched any of the videos or read anything in-depth about it - but obviously some things are unavoidable. From what I can gather, they've completely rechoreographed / staged certain key scenes, to the point where they've omitted important elements of character interaction. In MOTN, for example, they have apparently staged it whereby Christine is sitting on the boat/bed enthralled by the song, excluding any interaction with the Phantom. Given they are now also re-staging the Final Lair Scene to tie in with Love Never Dies, this makes LITERALLY NO SENSE, not to mention being completely stupid.
In addition, another rumour is that the London show is casting younger and younger male leads as the Phantom. This was my biggest gripe against the 2004 movie casting, and it was usually redeemed by the stage show. I thought - perhaps misguidedly - that the production team understood the importance of the character dynamic and how it hangs on the age gap. But no - they are slowly casting younger and younger Phantoms. This is about akin to casting a shiny young ingénue as Norma Desmond - wrong on too many levels to count.
The Phantom - like Norma, like Jean Valjean, to name but a few - is one of those musical theatre roles that so many young actors aspire to eventually play. You do not cast someone new and inexperienced; you cast someone well-known, someone with stage presence, someone who has been there and done that and spent their life building up enough of a reputation to play the role. It's not quite Hamlet but that's sort of the level you're looking for.
I am starting to despair of this fandom ever being great again. The 2004 movie dragged all the stupid phanbrats into the mix, dropping the level of intelligence several notches; Love Never Dies may well have had a few exciting moments (I'm hoping to watch the Blu-Ray next week) but it's basically ALW's fanfic, and frankly there are better stories on the internet; ALW is in fact the fandom's worst fanboy in that respect, except he has the money to indulge in messing with it, where the rest of us only have dreams.
If the fandom - by which I mean the old fandom, pre-2004, pre-Gerik, pre-LND, the old-fashioned OLC-loving 90's fandom - had any control or power whatsoever, things would be a lot different. I appreciate the need for change, and change can indeed be a very positive thing; but it needs to be a gentle, fluid process, not a great stamping hobnail boot.
The thing which I think worries me the most is that since the ill-fated posting of "Whisper" to FFN, I haven't written anything since. I've pootled about on some ongoing stories, a few words here and there, but I haven't started anything new or put down anything concrete. The lack of interest from the fandom has beaten all the inspiration and drive out of me. I hate that something that inocuous could cause so much destruction, but that's the way it is. I'm too scared to attempt anything else, in any other fandom, in case it receives the same cold reception. I've already mentioned how quickly fandom moves along (and these days, how quickly it starts, sometimes even before the subject has been aired/shown/published) and how difficult it is to stay afloat in that current. Maybe I'm too old for this nonsense now; but that doesn't stop me being bitter about it. I discovered fandom the hard way, watching it grow over the years; it wasn't already there for me to join in. These young fangirls don't know how lucky they are that they don't even have to try any more.
Don't get me wrong. I will always love POTO, I've said that before. The story still captivates me, and it will remain one of my favourite musicals probably forever, up there at the top of the list with Sunset, Cats and Les Misérables... but I can't be a part of its fandom any more. There is too much fail, too much pain, too much stupidity, and too much control from the Powers That Be for any of us to fight against. I don't have the energy any more.
I have an unfinished POTO tattoo on my collarbone, which I've been intending for some time to get removed and start again - redesign it and put it elsewhere. I think now I may just remove it, and call it a full stop.
Sigh. I am so sick of being tired and angry all the time. It makes it that much harder to care about anything any more, and I've forgotten what not being tired even feels like.
Whinge, whinge, whinge. Clearly, this is why I don't post anything for ages.